Bring on the suck

Well, as I have been alluding to on facebook, things have not been so great in the world of Jennie lately. I have recently went down to 4 days a week due to low census at my building (and lack of seniority). I don't necessarily mind 4 day work weeks but I need to work more than 20-25 hours a week. I found a PRN job that I hoped would supplement the reduction of hours. However, the Monday before Christmas I was told that now my boss also has to treat 8-10 hours a week. Due to the fact that I am low man on the totem pole it is my hours that will be cut. You do the math. To add insult to injury I also had to sign a stupid form regarding my productivity. Folks, I don't sit around at work. I do what I am told and try to provide the best patient care that I can. However, this is unimportant to the company. Unfortunately, this stupid form basically stated that if I don't improve to the standard put into place (which in my opinion and the opinions of many of my coworkers is too high) I could receive further disciplinary action up to and including termination. I received this news on Tuesday. When I started with this company I felt like they really valued their employees. I felt like I was appreciated and treated well. I felt like the company cared for the patients. Then, we had some management changes and Medicare changes and everything changed. May I also point out that our building is financially above plan by thousands of dollars and has been for the year? Doesn't matter.

I will not return to work until 1/9/12 which will hopefully give me some time to get things figured out. This was not really a planned vacation but since I was working at the other place I gave up those days at my normal job so my boss and my other colleague have hours. Today my boss' boss (or is it bosses' boss?) corned me and asked if I needed to talk to her or if I had any questions. I just said no and walked away. What I really wanted to say was, "yes, but the things I want to tell you would get me fired on the spot."

The other fantastic part is that there are no jobs open in my field in Wausau. I applied to a few in areas that I would have to commute but one I am not qualified for (in my opinion) and we will see on the other. I have never been a huge fan of commuting but it is what it is. I also hate that I am going to go to another company. I do not like job hopping; yet, I have done it a lot in my short career. If only I would have known how good I had it at my first job out of graduate school. I think about that place and the people I worked with often. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Now, Ruston has found a job that is like my first job. He is treated well and is enjoying it very much so it is not like we could move somewhere else for me to find a job (though I still check in Michigan :). I just feel really helpless and I am not sure how to make this situation better. I am not even 100% sure how it is going to unfold until I return in January. Unfortunately, I am not a very patient person. This has really effected my sleep and my mood. I just wish I had a crystal ball so I knew what to do and what my future holds.

Start spending time with the right people

"Start spending time with the right people. These are the people you enjoy, who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways. They are the ones who make you feel more alive, and not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be, unconditionally."-Marc and Angel Hack Life blog. This was the number 1 thing (out of 30) to start doing for yourself. A few other honorable mentions were:

-Start being honest with yourself about everything

-Start facing your problems head on

-Start being yourself

-Start enjoying the things you already have

-Start accepting things when they are less than perfect

-Start concentrating on the things you can control

-Start taking full accountability for your own life

If only I would have implemented these tips years ago! I had to make some hard decisions (and had some hard ones made for me) recently regarding some friendships that I had. These friendships had turned toxic. It was tearing me apart from the inside out. However, I couldn't let go. Last November I was told by a professional psychologist that I needed these specific people (mostly 1 person) out of my life. The psychologist stated that this person in particular was causing undue stress in my life and didn't appreciate me for me. Unfortunately, I had already renewed my membership to the organization that both of us were a part of and wanted to continue my commitment. I thought that maybe I could fix this relationship.

This person had a way of criticizing and pushing their values onto things. They had a way of making you feel terrible. This person did not want to hear what you had to say and could not accept constructive criticism. This person was toxic. Finally, during a meeting when this person was publicly raking my friends and I over the coals, I snapped. I let it all out there. I said the things that I needed to say. Some of the statements I made were mean (true but mean). I honestly do not remember most of it because I feel like I blacked out. It was like someone else took control of my body and gave me the courage to speak up. After this happened I felt good and bad. I was hoping that this person would take what I said to heart and work on changing these habits. The sad part is I would have stayed this person's friend if they would have tried. Instead this person proved to me that I did the right thing. I was immediately deleted by this person and mutual friends of ours on facebook. This person then solicited another mutual friend and told them what a terrible person I was and that they needed to choose between friendships. I was a bit shocked by that behavior (only a bit).

I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. This was bound to happen. This toxic person is now mostly out of my life. At first I was concerned about what she would tell other people about me. Now, I don't care. If other people chose to believe what she says that is their problem. I haven't figured out what to do if I see this person in public. I am in the process of moving on but I am sure this will brew with this person for years. I am a better person now that this relationship has dissolved. It is always sad to lose a friend but I needed to realize that this person wasn't really my friend. This person did not make me feel alive or embrace and embody who I was or wanted to be. This person talked behind my back, showed up to my important events briefly and to not speak to me except to point out that their spouse has never missed one of these events with the exception of mine. Towards the end of the relationship this person did not invite us (meaning my husband and I) to things but got upset when the "other group" (myself included) hung out together. Yup, I'm glad this person is no longer in my life. I am GLAD that they deleted me from facebook. I am glad to have people in my life who make me laugh and appreciate me for me.

Boxing

I have been attending a boxing class on Tuesdays since I got back from Scotland in September. This class never ceases to kick my ass. I also find it fun to out box and out cardio some of the skinny ladies in my class. I love to shatter stereotypes. One of the ladies told me that the boxing class is now offered Thursdays (my day off until I start helping at another building in 2 weeks). I went today and there were television crews taping a part of the class. So maybe I will be on television. I'm not sure what to think about that. I am still very judgmental and lately, I have not been feeling great about my body. I am continuing to lose weight at a very slow pace (this is the plan until after the holidays) but I have been feeling very flabby lately.

I have taken a PRN job at another nursing facility. I am very excited to get some extra hours. However, I am worried about helping in the evenings and then missing my workout classes. I think I am freaking out about nothing because they have only asked for a few evenings right at the beginning of the year. I just don't want to start the year by missing my boxing class (they asked if I could help Tuesday and Wednesday after work and of course Thursday when I am off). I also do not want to get into a bad routine of not going. It is funny how much of a priority that exercise is in my life right now. I even told my friend today that finding out my boxing class was offered on Thursdays was like a birthday present. A year ago I would have NEVER said that!

Today

I woke up so many times last night wondering if I had done the right thing. I poured my heart out and was virtually naked and parading around in front of everyone. I made myself completely vulnerable. I am/was also worried about being judged. I hate that I care so much about what other people think. I wish I was more like my husband. He could care less about what you think of him and who he is.

I wanted to delete my post on facebook that shared my blog address with most of the world. I wanted to restrict access in case someone that I didn't want to read this would. What if they found out I wasn't as strong as I portray? What if they judge me?

I also wanted to clear up a couple of things about my mother and my biological father (I will refer to him as bf). My bf did re-appear in my life a few years after he disappeared. He took my brothers on trips to the U.P. that I wasn't interested in. He had a pretty tough life himself. His father was a drunk and his mother died when he was very young. He was an only child. I don't really know much about him because we really do not speak much about his life. His father died of cirrhosis of the liver (can you guess what caused it?) sometime in my early teens, I believe. I really didn't know the man. He was more interested in a beer bottle than his own son and grandchildren. My dad did receive help for his alcoholism and was sober for many years. Unfortunately, alcoholism is a tough habit to break and he fell in and out of addiction. He still struggles with it today. He never hit us after the divorce. Although, he was never fully engaged as a parent and only paid child support. I learned to forgive him for the physical abuse and I try to forget but those memories have a strange way of popping up sometimes. Thankfully, it happens a lot less now.

My mother is the second youngest in a family of 6 children. My grandpa died before I was born. I heard that he was an amazing man. He was in the service and then served on the police force in town. My grandma was a mother to me. I was always over at her house. There are numerous pictures in which she is holding and feeding me. She made sure that I was well taken care of. She helped my mom. She was an amazing person. I will speak more about her later since I realized that this paragraph is about my mom and not her :). My mom told me that her parents used what I will call physical parenting. You were beat when you did something wrong. She says that her mom verbally abused her. She stated that was why she resorted to these tactics for punishment with us. The strange thing is this never happened until after my grandma died. Yes, we were slapped on the hand or spanked when we did something wrong. My mom never verbally abused me while my grandma was still alive. Overall, she was a good mom. I also find it strange that (unless I am not aware) none of her other siblings with children resorted to these methods with their children. Maybe I am wrong.

Then the bottom fell out for both of us. At 10 years old I had just lost a parent. She had lost a parent and her support net. She had 5 children, survived an abusive relationship, was remarried and all of 30 years old. I am beyond 30 now and I cannot imagine that level of responsibility. Now that I am where she was I have a better understanding. By no means am I excusing her for what she did but I have better insight now. I have forgiven her but that process has been a struggle for me. I don't think our relationship will ever be normal. I cannot say the words, "I love you" to her because I'm not really sure how I feel. I do talk to her on the phone and ask her advice for things. I thank her for her help and invite her over for holidays, etc. I do not exclude her. I just am not sure what I feel for her. I hope to figure it out someday. I watch other people with their mom and I long for a relationship like that but I just don't think that will happen. Unfortunately, it is not that easy.

My dad (not my bf) is an amazing man and one of the only reasons why I am not in the nuthouse today. I have so much respect for him. I did not make it easy on him when he first joined our family. I was a huge pain in the ass. He didn't give up though. He is not an overly affectionate man. He doesn't use words like I love you. He really is not a hugger. What he does do is listen. He shows. He jokes and teases. He shows up to your extracurricular activities. He works at minimum wage jobs to make sure you have insurance and put food on the table. That is how he shows love and I love him tremendously for it. We also inherited his family. His mom (now only referred to as my grandma), his siblings (my uncles and aunt), and his nieces and nephews (my cousins). This was the family I wanted to fit into so bad when I was 9-10 years old. They were/are beautiful. They cared for each other so much. I remembered music shows and games at Christmas at grandma's house. At dinner the children would be banned to the living room to occupy ourselves while the parents ate. It was never a problem. There was always a new gadget or something to keep us occupied. I love this family very much and I hope that now I am a full-fledged member, even if not by blood. It was thought of disappointing my grandma the fueled me to go to college and do well. She is another reason why I turned into the person that I am today. She helped to create a drive in me to not settle for living paycheck to paycheck. I cannot thank her enough for that.

This is it. There is no turning back now.

Well, I have decided to jump. I am going to live this life with reckless abandon and I am not going to hide behind secrets anymore. For most of my life I have been overweight or *gulp* obese. I have been on almost EVERY diet out there. I once saved my babysitting money so that I could buy a thing that you shoved in your ear approximately 30 minutes before eating. Apparently this was supposed to make you eat less. I remember eating only hard boiled eggs and grapefruit for 3 days straight. I participated in Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, diet books, E-diets and the list continues. You see, food is my friend. It is never judgmental and always available when I need it (now). It never fails me. It has no expectations of me. It makes me feel better. This is especially true with chocolate and ice cream.

Growing up I was also called every name in the book. Middle school was especially tough for me. People tend to think less of you when are overweight. They think that you cannot do certain things or that you are not as smart. At least, that is how I felt in my middle school brain. Who am I kidding? That is how I still feel sometimes.

Many people blame their problems on their past or childhood. I am no different. My first memories are of my drunk biological father hitting my mother and then us. They divorced when I was six and my biological father disappeared for many years. My mother married my stepdad (who from now on will be referred to as my dad). This poor man didn't know what he was getting himself into. 33 years old and inheriting 4 kids with a 5th on the way. My 4 brothers and I grew up poor. Food was often rationed. Treats were socked away in my mom's bedroom for her to pick over first before we got any. The freezer was locked. Our cereal would be poured for us each morning with no promise for more if we were hungry. Our school lunches were paid for by the taxpayers. Actually, much of our food was paid for that way. Christmas was sad. We usually would not have many gifts under the tree and as I got older my gifts grew more scarce. I would at least have a few, mostly due to Toys for Tots. I knew the bags that they packed their gifts in due to receiving them for so many years. This is the reason why this charity is so important to me today.

My life came to a screeching halt at the early age of 10. This is when my grandma died. My mother was not ready to have me at the young age of 20. She relied on my grandma to help. When that safety net was gone my mom turned into a monster. I need to stop right here and tell you that it is very hard for me to tell any of this to you. For the longest time I have tried to hide this under a facade of humor, strength and normalcy. I wanted so bad to just-fit-in-somewhere; so this information, until today, has only been told to a few people. My mother took out her frustrations on me. I was beat most days of the week. I was pushed down the stairs, slapped in the face and hit with the back of a flyswatter. When I wasn't being physically abused I was being verbally abused. I was called names that you wouldn't call your worst enemy. If I was out late my mom was sure that I was out getting pregnant. No, I was only getting drunk. The one person who was supposed to love me unconditionally and protect me was now tearing me apart inside out. Finally, sometime during my junior year she kicked me out. She denies that she did this but I had witnesses. I lived with a friend for almost a year until I was forced to go back home. During this time, I managed to hold down 2 jobs (at least), participate in extracurricular activities, and achieve good grades. Thankfully, when I moved back home the physical abuse stopped. The verbal abuse has also stopped for the most part. Every once in awhile a backhanded comment will come out of her mouth.

The fitting in part has always been hard for me. When my mom remarried we were brought into my dad's family. Christmas' at grandma's house were initially awkward for me due to not knowing where I fit in. I just wanted to be one of them. I just wanted to be accepted, unconditionally. School worked the same. Much of my life was living in this limbo of trying to be a people pleaser so that I was liked. I worried about how I looked, the things I said, the things said to me, etc. This limbo started when I was six. Looking back, I was pretty savvy at six. That little girl had a lot of things on her plate that many adults wouldn't know how to grapple with.

And that folks, is part of the reason why I am so messed up. Hopefully through this blog Iwill unravel this ball of yarn, deal with the things that happened (rather than eat them away) and grow. I do not need to be strong all the time. I do not need to be perfect. People do love me and I am worth it. My friend posted that she's worth it and I thought that I have NEVER thought that about myself. That changes today.

Thanks for reading. More of my journey will be posted soon. I am just starting to peel back the layers of this onion.