Stopping and starting

My weight loss journey involves a lot of stopping and starting.  I do really well for awhile and then I get stuck.  I am stuck again.  I have not blogged lately and I think that this may have led to some of the stopping.  I have had a very busy summer so far and I also think that might be part of the problem.  Finally, I feel like a monster takes over and I eat when I am not hungry or just keep eating.  I had this experience the other day.  I have switched positions since my last blog.  I am so much happier.  The only problem is that there is always food there and it is always next to my desk.  I asked if we could hold off on cake for a week and my coworkers managed to last 4 days.  Ever since, there is some sort of delicious food every day.  This monster takes me over and I start eating these foods.  Many times I feel like I cannot stop.  Generally, I eat these foods when I am not hungry.  Once I get home I figured I have fucked up already so who gives a shit and I eat.  The last time I did this I bought ice cream and proceeded to eat a lot of it despite not being hungry. When these occurrences happen it feels as if I am having an out of body experience.  My body is saying no but my mind is saying yes.  I have been at this new position for 6 weeks and I have struggles every day.  I do not understand how I did not have any problems with avoiding foods at the other place I worked but here I cannot stop myself.  I honestly have no self control.  I am not sure what to do to stop it.  Here are my thoughts:

I really would like to lose another 10 pounds and then take it from there (decide if I want to lose more or just maintain).  I have had my eye on a very expensive purse for a few years now and have decided that this will be my prize for losing the 10 pounds.  I wonder if putting a picture of the purse up at my desk will help me to be more successful.  Or would putting a very unflattering picture of me when I was heavier help?  I am also stealing from my friends and making smaller goals to work towards.  My first goal is to stay on track for 6/7 days of the week (ending next Sunday).  I will weigh in at WW next Sunday to hold myself accountable.  When I complete this I can buy new boxing gloves (my old gloves smell worse than my dog Lixy's breath).  I am open to suggestions about getting over this food hurdle and getting back on track as well as prizes and short term goals to keep me motivated.  Finally, sigh, I am going to work on cutting down on my ice cream consumption.  I am going to have ice cream every other day to start (rather than everyday) and try to wean myself to one to two times per week.  These eating habits are ingrained and very difficult to break.  *Keep your fingers crossed*

More 5ks!

Here are some pictures from my most recent 5ks.  I am hoping to complete a few more this summer.

Cinco de Mayo

I made it past Cinco de Mayo without gaining weight!!!  I have started going to the Weight Watchers meetings on Sunday mornings.  I feel that it holds me accountable during the weekends.  I find it to be very challenging because this is usually when we want to go out to eat and drink.  I have decided to allow myself whatever I would like on Sundays after the meetings.  Despite this, I usually make good choices.  Since re-committing to Weight Watchers 3 weeks ago I am down 7 pounds (I even had Culver's custard last night).  I am at a weight that I have not been at since I lived in Washington D.C. 10 years ago.  I am starting to notice additional changes in my body.  I feel that my calves are skinnier (still big but smaller than before) and my shoulders are more defined.  I completed my first 5K of the season last Saturday at the Rock n' Run.  My time was 30:45.  At first I was disappointed because I was really focused on being under 30 minutes.  However, when I compared my time to the same race last year I was 4 minutes faster!  And if I go all the way back to my very first 5K approximately 2 (or was it three) years ago I am down a whopping 15 minutes off of that time.  I am really working hard to try to give myself credit when credit is due rather then focus on what I still have left to do or what I haven't done.  This is very difficult for me.  I am excellent at pointing out the negative and letting those thoughts prevail.

I have another 5K coming up next Saturday.  Ruston will be running it with me.  This will be his second 5K.  It is frustrating how quickly a man can build up running speed and endurance.  He beat me in his very first 5K.  I am extremely proud of him but wish that my speed would progress that quickly.

This is us at the Rock n' Run on Saturday, April 28th 2012.  I had a completion time of 30:45.



I have started a new job at a facility approximately 45 minutes away.  The building is beautiful and the staff are all nice.  However, the hours that the district manager thought we would have have not panned out.  I just don't think it is worth it to drive that far to work 4 hours.  I have also witnessed some questionable ethical things that I am not comfortable with.  I just don't think that I am the right fit for that building.  It is a terrible feeling to have so quickly after starting and it leaves me wondering what to do.  I am trying to not let it sabotage my weight loss efforts.  This too, is hard.

Update

As you may recall from a previous post, I vowed to start tracking what I eat, take pictures of myself through the process and measure myself. I have just completed my first week and I have stuck to all my resolutions. I have to say that weighing in on Sunday sucks. I spent Saturday night sitting around because I did not want to go out and ruin all my hard work for the week. Next Sunday I will be in Colorado Springs so I will not be able to weigh in (more on the trip in a minute). The results of tracking, weighing in on Sunday and taking pictures of myself have been good. I am down 6.6 pounds and 4.5 inches overall. This is the result that I was hoping for. My first mini goal is approximately 6.4 pounds away. I would like to get to this weight by summer. The real summer, not the one we are currently experiencing :).

I have a rough few weeks ahead of me weight loss wise. My last day at Wausau Manor was on Friday and I do not start at the new facility until April 11th. As you all know, I thrive on routine. I also do not do well sitting around the house. I have already went grocery shopping for this week and I didn't buy anything that would lead my astray. On Thursday, March 29th I will be flying out to Colorado Springs to visit my good friend Brionne. I will be there until Monday (I arrive back in Wausau on Monday night). When I am away from home I tend to eat more and this concerns me. Of course, I want to try the local stuff but I need to make sure that I do not go overboard. I did well when we went on the cruise a year ago. I think I gained about 2-3 pounds which I didn't think was bad since I was surrounded by buffets and food everywhere. I really need to tell myself that the reward is the time with my good friend and seeing a new place. I need to listen to my body and eat when I am hungry. And if that were easy for me I wouldn't overweight :). I plan to stay on track throughout the week and workout Sunday (done)-Thursday to help counter any treats that I might have while I am out there. I will let you all know how it goes.

Sunday, bloody Sunday.

I have been lax in my tracking my eating lately which has led to a plateau. Anyone on my facebook page knows that I have been working out like crazy. I am proud of this. I am actually sitting here today feeling bad that I am not going to run. I cannot even tell you the last day that I didn't work out (I just checked and it was Thursday, February 23rd). Mind you, I plan to take a walk in this beautiful weather. Besides, my knee has been bugging me and I probably should rest it by doing something less strenuous. I digress. ANYWAY, with that kind of working out (running, boxing, weightlifting) I should be losing weight. I am sure you can all figure out that I am writing this because I haven't been losing weight. I know that it all comes down to my eating. Food is my drug. I turn to it for all matters. I lose control around it. I wish that I could have candy/chocolate/cake/sweets in the house and be able to eat a normal amount and forget about it. I wish that I didn't like to go out to eat so much. I also wish that I could feel good ordering healthy food at a restaurant. Mind you, I have made some gains in the eating department. I can no longer eat at most fast food burger joints. I also have lost all cravings for doughnuts (I don't like how I feel after eating doughnuts or fast food).

I like to polish things off. If we have cookies I feel like I need to eat them all as quickly as possible. I cannot stop thinking about them until they are gone. I just polished off the leftover rice krispy treats. I wasn't even hungry! Speaking of, I like to eat. It doesn't matter if I am hungry. To make matters worse, I very rarely feel full.

I still have some weight to lose. Ideally, I would like to lose another 40 pounds. In order to this I need to get my eating under control. I am proud that I have exercising under control. This will be my toughest struggle yet. I continue to subscribe to Weight Watchers online. I plan to start tracking my points and actually writing down what I eat. I also plan to weigh in on Sundays. I tend to eat terribly during the weekends and I hope that weighing in on Sundays will help to curb that bad habit. I also plan to buy a measuring tape and start taking measurements as well as weekly pictures. I am going to do some reading this weekend to encourage good eating. I plan to put this all in place this Sunday 3/18/12. It is written here so that I hold myself accountable. Please feel free to assist me in this. I am not looking for 100% accuracy as that would be setting myself up for failure. Ultimately, I need to find happiness in things not related to food. I need to create a different relationship with food. This will be tough stuff.

I welcome your feedback.

The mirror

For most of my life the mirror has been enemy #1. Pictures are enemy #2. You would not believe the things that come out of my mouth when I look at pictures of myself or in the mirror. I am terrible. I find this funny because if someone spoke to me like that I would slap them. On Sunday I took a ballroom dancing class with some friends. The studio had a big gigantic mirror in it that I was forced to look into. For once in a long time I did not criticize. I did not hate what I saw. I actually liked the image being projected back in the mirror. It was a huge day for me. I just thought I would share :).

Quote

I saw this quote today and I wanted to share it. I feel like I need to make it my mantra. Here it is:

"Take all the time you need to heal emotionally. Moving on doesn’t take a day; it takes lots of little steps to be able to break free of your broken self. Never let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life. Just because today is a painful doesn’t mean tomorrow won’t be great. You just got to get there. The best things usually happen when you least expect it. So try to smile in the mean time. Not because life has been easy, perfect, or exactly as you had anticipated, but because you choose to be happy and grateful for all the good things you do have and all the problems you know you don’t have." – via: http://www.marcandangel.com/